So, I went to Disney World. Not because I wanted to necessarily, but because it is my duty as a loving father and husband to expose my family to the blatant commercialism they deserve. Parenthood is full of sacrifices.
When I was told about “our” Disney World plans, I asked, “Yeah, but what’s in it for me?” To which my loving wife replied, “We can make lasting memories that our daughters will treasure and hold dear for the rest of their lives.”
Granted that was a pretty sharp rationale, but I felt like I needed to get an extra boost over the final hump. “Plus,” she continued, “You can try and review everything for your website.”
Because you know, Disney World does not have regular foods and drinks; they have a whole bunch of crazy crap with crazy names. Stuff that you can’t get anywhere else. Ok, I’m in.
Deep within Mickey’s Magic Kindom lays Gaston’s Tavern. Now, I know that the majority of CRR readers are parents with small children or sexually-deviant pedophiles, but on the off chance you’re neither, I’ll educate you.
Gaston is the huge jerk-ass-douche-butt-face-hole that tried to woo Belle (AKA Beauty) at the onset of the movie Beauty and the Beast. Later, he leads a charge of villagers armed with pitchforks and torches to storm the Beast’s castle, so why NOT make an eatery with his name attached. Nothing makes me hungrier than thinking about a handsy egomaniac.
The Tavern does have a rare Disney treat inside: LaFou’s Brew. LaFou was Gaston’s right-hand man and maybe more according to BuzzFeed. His status earns him the signature treat, but what is it?
LaFou’s brew is a nonalcoholic, frozen beverage described as apple juice with a hint of toasted marshmallow topped with a foam of passion fruit and mango. Sounds fancy, no? In reality, this drink is poured from a Slurpee machine by a dude with a puffy shirt into a plastic cup before it is topped with a squirt of flavored whip cream from an aerosol can. It costs less than $5 unless you’re
crazy dedicated enough to more than double the price for a souvenir stein. Fear not you frugal Disney fans, the brew will only cost you one snack credit on the meal plan.
On a sweltering June morning, the drink hits the spot nicely as it tastes just like the description would have you believe. Icy apple juice and marshmallow go well together. The foam is a bit needless, but I suppose it does its job of completely the illusion of a beer in the glass and suds on my lips.
To my wonder, I was the only one at the table that enjoyed the drink as the daughters scratched their tongues to extract the flavor. A few sips satisfied the wife. They were way more interested in the monster cinnamon rolls that seemed to be an equally hot item in the quick-serve establishment.
The remainder of our time in the tavern was spent discussing the game plan in the event that Gaston actually came in. I mean, he’s a jerk. I couldn’t just sit still after the way that he treated Belle. On the other hand, he seems freakishly strong with a great head of hair. He could rip me apart. We planned our swift getaway.
At the end of the day, would I get another LaFou’s brew? Maybe. The answer cannot be definitive because as the drink goes on, the taste novelty wears off.
Consume.Review.Repeat. gives LaFou’s Brew at Gaston’s Tavern in the Magic Kindom a 7.3 ponytailed A-holes out of 10 on the Disney curve.*
*Note that Disney food and drink cannot be compared to ordinary food due to the extreme thirst, hunger, and discomfort from being in Disney World. These ratings would not likely transfer to an outside environment.