Last night I decided to download Pokémon Go to see firsthand what all the young whippersnappers are currently talking about. Keep in mind; I had absolutely no idea what Pokémon was prior to download. I heard the name before and saw the playing cards while waiting in the check-out line, but never wanted to know more about the yellow and white, alien-looking…bug (?). That all changed after seeing half of my neighborhood, even those Goth kids who are pale and hate the sun, walking around the streets while watching their phones. I had to see what all the hype was about so I downloaded the app.
After the “free” app downloaded, I had to accept a number of agreements. I’m not sure what I accepted because the agreements were written in 3 font, and on the size of my phone, the agreements looked like paragraphs of small squares. More than likely I signed away my life and the life of my child for a few minutes of mindless entertainment – a fair deal, sure – but the last thing I want to do after downloading an app is read.
After carelessly clicking accept to all the agreements, I was brought to a Google account sign-in page. Immediately, my suspicion was raised. Was this some kind of Big Brother trick? Why would the app developer, Niantic, need me to sign into my Google account? To spy on me, of course. Niantic…more like US Government spelled backwards, or worse, China spelled all jumbly and without the h. I tried to obtain the assistance of Edward Snowden, but after waiting several seconds he never responded, so I signed in with my personal Google account because, well, I like to think of myself as a free spirit.
What followed was a mesmerizing (I use that term loosely) tale from some kind of young, professor-looking guy. I want to stop here for a moment.
Why is it that in every Japanese (?) video game everyone looks like they haven’t hit puberty but are supposedly adults. They all have baby-faces. I don’t get it. Anyway back to baby-face, professor guy…he tells me, not vocally but with words, yes, more reading (YAWN) that Pokémons are everywhere and that I have to find them while looking through the camera on my phone and trap them in a red and white ball thing. Ok, simple enough. So there I am walking around the neighborhood with my son (yes, I used my son to cover for my research) watching the world around me through the camera on my phone. It was like reality wasn’t reality anymore.
It was seriously great because all that walking made me hungry and as I ate 4 slices of pizza, several handfuls of Doritos, and drank 2 Cokes, I did it all while looking through my camera thinking this isn’t reality. Calories be damned, I was on a mission to find whatever those things are.
Shortly into my journey, I came across a Pokémon. My son laughed with glee as we trapped it. We were victorious! A feeling of triumph washed over me and nothing, not even Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton running for President, could ruin my joy. That is until I saw this.
I figured it was a fluke so I restarted the app only to see this.
Then I restarted again. Same thing.
Hmmm…Ok, I waited several minutes, turned off the phone, and hit the app once again. Again, this greeted me.
A tidal wave of frustration overcame my son and I. America is going to hell in a hand basket but nothing mattered more than getting the game to run. Nothing. Let me tell you, with a 3 year old on your shoulders having an epic meltdown, I valiantly fought to get that game up and running again, but to no avail. A day later, I still can’t get the game to work. It’s sad to say, but this app broke my spirit, my desire to live, and now, I am a shell of whom I once was – my purpose in life is no more.
Consume Review Repeat gives Pokémon Go 1 out of 10 Microsoft blue screens of death.