Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp event isn’t something to be taken lightly. You wouldn’t just show up to the Super Bowl 10 minutes before kickoff expecting to win the game just like you wouldn’t sit in the cockpit of a jet without ever taking a lesson. No. Endless Shrimp deserves your respect. Nay. It demands your respect.
This is something that requires lessons. It needs a game plan. To that end, consider me your tutor. I will coach you through the process of seeing just how endless those shrimp are. Watch out ocean. Here we come.
- The first step of preparation for Endless Shrimp begins the day before. Some people make a huge mistake in trying to eat little to empty their stomach. Naturally, eating too much before any eating competition is a mistake, but eating too little can be just as dangerous. Eating a large lunch and a smaller dinner will do your body well. Hydration is also important since it will help with lubrication and digestion.
- Plan for lunch. I know, I know. You may be thinking that something as spectacular as Endless Shrimp deserves to be the main-event meal. But that’s just what the geniuses of Red Lobster want you to think. Going for dinner puts you at a disadvantage because you have to deal with a crowd, a wait for your table, a wait for your refills, and a distracted wait staff. Lunch eliminates so much hassle and puts you in control of your food.
- Focus but don’t over-focus. Putting too much pressure on your gastrointestinal fortitude will diminish your eating abilities. Instead, head for a distraction to shift your focus. I prefer The Exchange in Monroeville, PA. It is close to the Red Lobster so as I browse their selection of vinyl (I opted for two White Stripes 45s. I’m a sucker for Jolene.) I can clear my mind to find peace and tranquility before game time.
- Pick your partner. Eating alone is terribly sad and is the most depressing thought my mind can conjure. On the other hand, eating with a party of six will slow you down and hamper your efficiency. Because of this. A table for two will be ideal. With it being lunch, you’ll have prime choice of booths that allow for extra space for multiple plates. I go with my Consume.Review.Repeat. partner to talk business between shrimpy bites.
- Order a Coke, a salad with vinaigrette (Ranch is a suckers move), and go easy on the biscuit. Yeah. I know they are delicious and so do the shrimp sellers. One or two tops. Any more and you are cutting significantly into shrimp space. The Coke is a different story, though. I’m no dietitian or chemist, but I would guess that drinking more Coke allows the carbonation to expand your stomach slowly without much discomfort. Drink early. Drink often.
- The ordering process is the simplest facet of the meal. Only a fool would start with shrimp pasta, so go ahead, get some scampi, fried, teriyaki, spicy coconut. You can’t go wrong. A mashed potato is a good option as a side because you can leave it on the plate for the duration of the meal picking and scraping as the hours tick by.
- At this point, it is appropriate to discuss your goal. Are you going for a personal best, a world record, to get completely shrimp drunk, or just to get comfortably numb? Without a goal, you will have no way to tell when you have accomplished it. Be safe. Be smart. Eat some shrimp.
- With a goal in mind, you need a mindset to accomplish the goal. What is your motivation? Are you eating your feelings in an act of self-hatred? Are you eating as many shrimp as you can because you hate the disgusting little creatures and believe the world should be rid of them? Are you eating to cut into the profits of Red Lobster and the Darden Restaurant Group? Maybe instead of anger, you’re eating for love as you know gluttony is a turn on to the special person in your life. Dial in your mindset. From here, all things are possible.
- Remember, once the refills start flowing, it is not a sprint; it is a marathon. Just because the server asks if you want more shrimp doesn’t mean that you have to order. I mean, of course you want more shrimp. It’s shrimp: The steak of the sea. Find a pace for you and stick to it.
- Order appropriately with a solid rotation. You want the layers of shrimp in your stomach to look like layers of rock that form the Earth’s crust. Imagine the Coke as the magma veins running throughout the system.
- The time has come. Whether you had three refills or 30, you are tapping out. It was really, really good, but now you are done. But you never tell Red Lobster that you’re done. Instead, tell them that it is time to place that order for the shrimp pasta that has eluded you the entire meal. When they bring it, fork it around. Stick a strand or two in your mouth then push it away. No. You’re not being wasteful. You’re being smart. When they bring over the to-go box, you’ve just landed lunch for yourself.
- Pay the bill. Let the server know she did a bang-up job with a sizable tip. Then, leave with your head held high as you realize just what you have accomplished. Be proud of yourself. I’m proud of you. You did it.
Consume.Review.Repeat. gives Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp 9.1 scampi burps out of 10.