Powerball Winner Review

By | January 13, 2016


I have a serious medical condition I would like to share with you today. It is called Powerball Fever, and the ailment is so intense and problematic that no amount of cowbell will alleviate my symptoms. The only cure: Powerball winnings.

The $1.4 billion Powerball drawing is about two hours away, so I thought it would be a good use of my time to share with the world what I plan to do with my winnings. “My winnings,” you asked. Of course, you see, at this point, my victory is all but assured. I made all the right moves (ie I bought a ticket). Now, it is time to sit back and wait for the money to come in and come in it will.

This post is part Powerball review and part preview of my Powerball winnings. I have broken down my plan in steps.

Step 1. Establish a series of orphanages in underdeveloped countries to ensure the survival and psychological well-being of the orphans there while systematically establishing vocational training, medical treatment, and the access to information needed to empower people in these areas so that future generations will be better cared for and shown the love that every person deserves.

Step 2. Take the remaining money in small bills ($10s and 20s) and carry it around in briefcases. I will use the money to bribe and corrupt those around me to do my bidding, which will yield a level of power and control that will make men quiver and women shiver. Immediately, the local municipalities will fall before my feet. From there, my legend will spread like an unstoppable zombie outbreak. Until I am declared the unquestioned emperor of the western world. Those guys in the east are on their own.

Step 3. Buy a new car. Something sensible like a 2015 Subaru Forester. I know the 2016s are out, but it’s a better deal to get last year’s model.

Wait, wait, wait. On second thought, I better move this order around. Let’s move step two to step one because I would be able to create many more orphanages after I was declared a world leader.

Step 1. World leader.

Step 2. Orphanages.

Wait. Edit. What good is it to be a ruler without reliable transportation? Okay. Final order.

Step 1. 2015 Subaru Forester.

Step 2. Undisputed, universally loved and revered ruler of the West.

Step 3. Orphanages – Definitely. Gotta build the future. You know, empowerment.

Consume.Review.Repeat. gives the $1.4 B $1.5 B Powerball jackpot 10 zero’s out of 10 (as long as I win)

This post was inspired by the genius Steve Martin sketch.

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