Bottled coffee drinks located in my grocer’s refrigerated aisles make me extremely hesitant. You may recall the poop-splosion of Memorial Day weekend 2015. It was a trying time.
I am nothing if not persistent, though, so when I saw the Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Iced Coffee arrive at my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart, I was willing to give it a try despite good-old carrageen being listed as an ingredient. Persistence comes with inherent risk. It’s just part of the job.
The packaging looks great with vibrant colors and a good depiction of what I’m getting myself into right on the bottle. The name is a bit of redundant hilarity like a blogger trying to cover all of his bases in a failed attempt to get the most hits from Google. To me, a coffee drink can be labeled chocolate or mocha. Using both seems like a blatant attempt to capitalize on a wider group without alienating anyone. In the world of coffee drinks, it is a weird and uncustomary move from the 150 calorie bev. I mean how far away is chocolate from mocha anyway, and could anyone really tell the difference?
Crack the top to remove the safety seal, and you’ve got yourself a brew that pours out slow and thick – thanks carrageen. The taste was really reminiscent of the Starbucks version in terms of sweetness and ratio between coffee and milk. Whereas Starbucks has its signature dark roast/ high octane beans, the Caribou form packed a milder punch that I found more enjoyable overall. I’m sure the chocolate listed at the 8th ingredient really pushed this creation over the top.
The first impressions were pleasing but as with any packaged coffee drink, the real question is answered about 90 minutes after consumption. Will the inclusion of seaweed make my intestines contract until my system is completely evacuated, or will some of those calories consumed make it through to the absorption phase?
Here’s the answer:
I mean, I’ve heard of coffee enemas before, but I assumed that they would be labeled in a clearer way at Wal-Mart. And why put it right next to the drinks? I guess I was wrong about that one.
I suppose I have only myself to blame, but I had half of a bottle left, and since no amount of uncontrollable pooping would make me throw away the remainder of my $5 bottle, I took some out for a field trip. I had to know if it was a simple fluke or coincidence. No good scientist publishes a paper without reproducing their findings, right?
Have you ever sat on an office chair for 5 hours clinching your bottom-half so tight that you looked 3 inches taller because your self-imposed-away-from-home-pooping etiquette only allows for pooping under the direst of circumstances? If your answer was “no,” have some Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Iced Coffee around lunch time, and my nightmare-turned-reality can be yours as well.
Consume.Review.Repeat gives some Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Iced Coffee 8.2 rolls of Quilted Northern out of 10 within the first 89 minutes after drinking.
Consume.Review.Repeat gives some Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Iced Coffee 2.3 cases of severe dehydration out of 10 90 minutes or more after drinking.