It’s summertime in the ‘Burgh and that means hungover Pens fans still celebrating Sidney Crosby raisin’ Lord Stanley are roaming “da-town n’at” like a bunch of zombies right out of George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. What’s this all mean to those who call Pittsburgh home, and those who are visiting? It means get ready because some of the classic (not classy) Pittsburgh Dad summer outfits are about to make their debut.
Spotting a true-blue Pittsburgher that bleeds black and yellow isn’t difficult to find. It’s not like you’re trying to find Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. Even though some locals believe that a community of yetis live in the woods of Hartwood Acres. No, finding a ‘Burger is much, much easier.
Here is the Top Ten clothing trends that dads of the City of Champions are wearing in the summer.
1. A clean, bright-white pair of sneakers.
2. Moving up the leg we come to the socks. Note: this clothing item is considered optional to a number of locals that like to stink up your train ride into the city. But those that are kind enough to wear them, like to let you know that they are wearing them because they usually wear white tube socks that are scrunched down to the ankle. These dads end up looking like they were in some 80s woman’s workout video.
Here is the response I got from a fellow train commuter about buying ankle socks instead of scrunched down tube socks, “Ankle…socks? Huh? How ’bout da Pens n’at?” Let’s be clear, if your socks don’t match your shoes, you are an elitist in the Pittsburgh community.
3. One word – Jorts. Please just stop. I get it. It’s a way to save money, an economical way to stretch a dollar, but look at yourself in the mirror. It’s not 1970 anymore. You’re not going to Woodstock, you’re going to Giant Eagle to go grocery shopping.
4. The Pittsburgh sports T-shirt. I swear most of the dad closets in Pittsburgh must look like Mr. Rodger’s closet, but instead of zip-up sweaters, it’s a bunch of black T-shirts with a few jerseys. You know they don’t even look at what sport team is on the shirt because you’ll see them rockin’ a Steelers shirt at a Pirate game. You got a Pirate shirt I sure. Wear it to the appropriate sporting event. Please!
5. Turner’s Ice Tea in hand. It’s hot outside – I know. But do you have to stroll along 51 with your Pirate jersey unbutton with nothing on underneath, waving at traffic with a Turner’s in hand. Probably not. Take a minute, find some shade, consume your beverage, and be on your way like a normal human being.
6. The wrist watch that doesn’t tell time because the hands broke a long time ago. Dads in the Burgh are the sentimental type. Years back when dad was dating mom she bought him a watch from Sears. “I never took it off after she gave it’s to me. We won the trophy that year.” I heard the story a thousand times. Ok, that’s great and all – but it doesn’t tell time. You have to ask people wherever you go what time it is – it’s basically a bracelet at this point.
7. You know what – I give up because no matter how much I ramble on, you’re never going to change. You’re going to keep on being the best dads out there. Like the die-hard Pirate fan you are that thinks “this year is our year” you’ll attend every one of your kids sporting events cheering hard from the sidelines (sometimes maybe too hard), you’ll take the family out for a treat at Page Dairy Mart, you’ll continue to fall asleep in the chairs at the mall “shopping” with your daughter and wife, and when times get tough, you’ll say the encouraging thing we need to hear “Big Ben will be back next year, better than ever, you wait and see.”
Consume Review Repeat gives the dads of Pittsburgh a 10 out of 10 glasses of Cherokee Red held high.